The Lib Dems’ Party Election Broadcast is an old fashioned talk to camera job with some “walk and talk”. It’s boring, very boring, and total rubbush, but just look what a mess they made filming it. They’ve strewn paper everywhere. I hope they picked it all up!

Labour has launched its second Party Election Broadcast. Carrying on the Z-List Celebrity theme they’ve trotted out Eddie Izzard for this low budget feature filmed in an empty room [clearly they are a popular party]. It’s not funny and it’s not clever, but then what was I expecting?

So with Mr Izzard that makes two endorsements for Labour – a comedian who likes running and the son of Worzel Gummage.

I should have known something was wrong when I first saw how people were voting in the Real Crisps Election. Whilst actual polls such as YouGov were giving the Conservatives 6 to 8 point leads over Labour, actual voters were overwhelmingly endorsing Clegg Crisps over Cameron Crisps, with Brown a distant third.

Now the only differences between these two polls are (1) Real Crisps are pitting leader against leader in Presidential style rather than party against party, (2) Real Crisps polling isn’t weighted to be demographically representative, and (3) Real Crisps polling has no tactical voting as (a) anyone could win it and (b) it doesn’t really matter because it’s just for fun. You could therefore say that ordinary polls such as YouGov, ICM and MORI survey how people plan to vote, whilst Real Crisps survey how people would like to.

Generally people do vote how they plan to, rather than how they would like to, as we make choices based on reality and not just idealism. We use our heads as well as our hearts – which is why pollsters ask what people will/would do rather than what they’d like to do.

Having been out of power since 1933 (as a coalition partner) and 1915 (as a single party) the Liberal Democrats are untainted by events and free of historic baggage, making them appeal to people’s hearts. Voters’ heads however have always kept the Lib Dems contained as choices in elections are held back by the reality barrier of who could possibly win, Labour or Conservative, and preference between those. Only in by-elections where the result won’t affect who’s in Downing Street or where the Lib Dems are incumbent is this overcome, and we all know how well it is overcome. Lib Dems are by-election masters and near impossible to unseat.

This reality barrier however is now broken. The televised debates made the contest Presidential and – by giving the three leaders equal status – made the contest a three horse race in which anyone could win. Along with the media coverage it turned the race into the Real Crisps Election. We all remember the billboard from 2005 (see right) “If you thought the Lib Dems could win in your area, this is how you’d vote” in which the country is almost turned yellow. This is fast becoming reality – people are thinking they could win, locally at least, and fears of a hung parliament are gaining no traction.

Many people don’t like Labour but still vote Labour because they really dislike the Conservatives – as soon as they think a Liberal vote isn’t a wasted vote, they switch. Many people don’t like Conservatives but still vote Conservative because they really dislike Labour – as soon as they think a Liberal vote isn’t a wasted vote, they switch. And here lies the problem for both Labour and Conservatives. They both need a new strategy and fast.

Labour’s first Party Election Broadcast (PEB) “The Road Ahead” has hit our screens and vanished off to the archives with little impact, it was however telling of Labour’s campaign. All they have now is fear of change.

“The Road Ahead” apparently stars Sean Pertwee (I didn’t recognise him), who is best known as the son of Jon Pertwee, who played the 3rd Doctor Who and Worzel Gummage. Pertwee was the Doctor after Patrick Troughton but before Tom Baker, not as good as Tom Baker but better than Sylvester McCoy. As celebrity endorsements go, the son of Worzel Gummage and 4th best Doctor Who is rather poor.

Pertwee name drops his dad – “My father always said ‘don’t give up’, ’show resolve’ – just in case we forget who he is, after climbing a rather moderate hill and declaring ‘wow’ at a bleak looking lanscape. Then it’s time for the usual tripe.

More interesting is its remarkable similarity to this video. If you thought Labour winning again was enough to send you to drink – it looks like Labour’s ad agency have been driven to it already…

What do badgers, an infectious deadly disease of the respiratory system and Queen lead guitarist Brian May all have in common? The answer: they are all destroying Britain’s cattle and dairy farming industry, forcing thousands of animals to be slaughtered, and putting human health at serious risk.

Brian May, 61, has joined a campaign to stop the proposed badger cull in Wales. May, a candidate for the Higher Rate of my Celebrity Tax if ever I saw one, believes that the cull “would be genocide”.

“To me countries do not matter. Badgers are not British they belong to the world and they belong to everyone,” he said. He told press that the cull programme made no more sense than if it could be proved that by killing all ginger-haired people small pox could be eradicated. “Anyone would think that doing that was insane but that is what we are proposing to do to badgers. Well that’s how I feel about it anyway.”

Badgers are also not humans, so to call it “genocide” and compare it to “culling ginger people” is plain daft. Now I perfectly understand people liking badgers – they’re incredibly cute – but the problem is they carry TB.

Mycobacterium bovis is an aerobic bacterium and the causative agent of tuberculosis in cattle (known as bovine TB). Related to M. tuberculosis—the bacteria which causes tuberculosis in humans—M. bovis can also jump the species barrier and cause tuberculosis in humans.[Wikipedia]. In 2007 a man died and five others infected when Bovine TB crossed into humans.

Now there’s a scientific dispute about whether culling badgers will reduce bovine TB, and indeed whether badgers are to blame. Although I personally think they are to blame and a cull will reduce infections – as the badgers transport the disease across farm boundaries – my real problem here is with May. Who even asked him for his opinion and what on Earth does he know anyway? Clearly nothing.

Ollie Cromwell is hosting a live chat tonight on his blog using ‘Cover It Live’ during theDispatches – ‘Politicians for hire’ programme.

Please join us for the chat, but more importantly given the short notice,
help him publicise it by Twitter, Facebook etc.

The link is http://www.redragonline.com/2010/03/live-chat-dispatches-politicians-for.html

Even Google’s algorithm throws up the occasional surprise, today’s UK section of Google News being an example today.

Among the links to serious newspapers, news agencies such as Reuters and major blogs, the search giant’s secret code decided that the second most important story was ‘Anti-fascists targeted by police at EDL demo’ and the most relevant article on it was that by the Morning Star Online – the internet site of the Morning Star newspaper (formerly the Daily Worker) and official rag of the Communist Party of Great Britain! Its current policy is that Britain’s Road to Socialism (the programme of the Communist Party of Britain) underlies the paper’s editorial stance.

They’ve probably had more page views this afternoon than in the last decade…

Last year I had an idea. A brilliant idea. An idea so brilliant that it defies belief. There I was, eating a yogurt, when all of a sudden “BHAM!” It hit me like a lightning bolt. “What Britain needs,” I thought, “at this economically challenging and bleak time, when the government has got itself (or should that be ‘got us’) up to its (our) eyeballs in debt and is sinking faster than John Prescott on quicksand – is an orchestra! But not just any old orchestra, what we need is a joystick orchestra!”

Naturally everyone thought I was mad. “What the heck is a joystick orchestra?” exclaimed the council when I applied for a licence. “I don’t know,” I responded excitedly, “but we need one, urgently!” On the way back I stopped at the pub, but it had closed down. “I’ve become a statistic,” the Landlord said. “Never mind,” I replied, “you can become a joystick orchestra member, we’ll even use the pub as a venue!”

That settled, I still had the one issue of financing the venture. I rang the bank for a loan but they laughed. “Us, lend money? You’re having a laugh! Banks lending money, whatever next? We’re a bank, you’re a taxpayer. You lend us money!” I never even got to tell them my idea. I went on Dragons’ Den; Duncan was “out” because the Landlord sold cigarettes, Debrah was concerned about noise levels, Peter didn’t invest because I didn’t wear a tie, James was polite but said he was allergic to joysticks, and it ended when Theo broke the joystick whilst testing it.

I rang Alan Sugar, who loved the idea. “It fits perfectly with our range. Amstrad PC2000, GX4000, Amstrad, anti-wrinkle thing, emailer, joystick orchestra.” I asked him if he was bothered that we hadn’t actually decided what a ‘joystick orchestra’ was. “Nah, I’ve never understood my products at all, I still use an old Hermes typewriter myself.” It was all going fine until he remembered that article I wrote about him. The deal was off.

It looked as if it was all over, the ‘Joystick Orchestra’ over before we even knew what one was. Then I saw it. Flying over the Travelodge on Ashford Eureka Business Park beside the Union Flag and the Travelodge Flag, the circle of yellow stars. “EUROPE! Europe will love it!”

We went as fast as we could by Eurostar to Brussels, only breaking down twice on the way. When we arrived the place was a ghost town – protected tumbleweed blowing around – everyone was in Strasberg this week. We waited, buying some souvenirs in the European Parliament gift shop. “I’m so glad to see someone, you’re the first people to ever buy anything,” the French lady working there said. “Really,” we asked. “Of course, who in their right mind would buy this tut? Except you, of course.” At least we think she said that – being British we only speak English, and being French she speaks fluent English but refuses to do so.

Eventually the circus came to town, as the MEPs returned in their convoy of limos. European President Herman Van Rompoy turned out to be a real traffic stopper, causing tail backs after falling off his bike. Then it was time for our meeting. At first it was hard. In a room full of dull [all white male] functionaries, no one seemed to speak English. Even talking slowly in a loud voice didn’t get through. I tried what little French I know, putting on my best ‘Edward Heath’ French accent. “Bonjour madame. J’ay voooodrezzz un chambre aveckk un arachnee dans un chaise, et un sandwich.” They looked perplexed. We grabbed iPhones and dragged up the translator which speaks for you. After asking the way to the beach, how much a beer costs and asking for a doctor, we were out of phrases. Thankfully, an official arrived who spoke English.

“We have this idea called a ‘joystick orchestra’ and…,” I said, his face lighting up. “Joysticks, orchestra,” he said clapping his hands excitedly like a circus seal and grinning, “add the word ‘European’ and it’s a deal!” And so the European Joystick Orchestra was born…

Of course it wasn’t my idea – I’m not crazy! – but it was someone else’s idea. I don’t actually even know what a ‘joystick orchestra’ is, let alone why we need a European one. But the as always unnamed man in Brussels did gave it 60,000 Euros of taxpayers’ cash! It’s one of many such outrages you can read about in this document.

Last night it wasn’t just Trevor McDonald who met David Cameron, around 1.7 million viewers did too. It wasn’t quite the 4.2 million that watched Gordon Brown interviewed by Piers Morgan, but then it wasn’t the heavily previewed “car crash tele” of “tears for Piers”. Those that did watch however met a David Cameron that was personable, chatty, witty and easy to like. It was the DC that won the 2005 leadership, it was DC the real person.

Today some apprentices at Lewisham College met David Cameron. As Cameron warned that Britain would end up like Greece unless it tackled the fiscal deficit, the heckles started. “Yeah, but we need more money,” one apprentice shouted out. “What about Tory cuts,” one apprentice shouted. Another says: “We need an experienced prime minister right now to lead us. We don’t need a new boy right now.” A pony-tailed apprentice who appeared to be reading from a piece of paper which bore a remarkable similarity to Labour’s anti-Tory script commented on Margaret Thatcher, who would have left Downing Street before he was born.

Apprentice: This recession has not affected the every day man or woman like the early 1980s recession caused by your predecessor Margaret Thatcher. It’s not that bad.
DC: I think quite a lot of people would say this recession has been bad. We’ve got record youth unemployment.
Apprentice: Unemployment is only at 2m now. We expected 3m.
DC: Unemployment is at 2m…

It looks very much like an ambush, but Cameron was unfazzed and won them over. He was cool, calm and in control. Can’t imagine the clunking fist coping that well.

You might remember the unusual election video of Republican California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina that became known as Demon Sheep: The Movie.

Well she’s at it again, this time with “Boxer Blimp”.

Unusual tactics you have to admit…